The News You Can Use….For Nothing Useful

“Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead.  The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.”  ~Bob Seger

In case you missed it, here’s a run down of last week’s, probably not top news stories, but at the very least, the news stories that won’t give you a migraine, or make your blood boil.


Brad Pitt Needs to Step It Up

Seriously

It’s rumored that Brad Pitt is dating architect and designer, Neri Oxman, who, among her bajillion accomplishments, is an MIT professor with a PhD in Design Computation.

Meanwhile, Angelina Jolie, Pitts ex-wife, is busy saving the world and flying around in an airplane she pilots herself.

Brad is….?

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Meghan Markle Has The Worst Family Ever

The family of Royal Bride-To-Be, Meghan Markle, continues to embarrass America with their desperate attempts at obtaining some relevancy off the designer clad coat-tails of Markle.

This past week, it was Meghan’s half-brother, Thomas Markle, Jr., who took aim at his half-sister, who he spent every other weekend with, between the years of 2009 and 2011, SEVEN YEARS AGO.

According to Thomas Jr., Meghan is a ‘phony’ who has ‘torn his family apart.”

It’s unclear though how Juniors 2017 arrest on weapons-related charges, following a domestic dispute with his girlfriend, might have impacted his family though.

He’s just a guy, who, along with his big-mouthed sister, Samantha Grant, just REALLY want to be at that wedding.

He’s now suggested that the Queen and Prince Charles should step in and ‘splain’ how things are done.

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Walmart Sells More Blue Jeans Than Anyone?

Also, Walmart is testing a new dress code for associates in a small sampling of stores to see if the more relaxed policy might help to attract and retain workers.

The employees participating in the pilot program will now be allowed to wear a shirt of any solid color and jeans are permissible, so long as they are a solid blue color.

Welcome to 2018, Walmart.


The World is Going to End on April 23rd

According to David Meade, a Christian Numerologist….

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The world is going to end on April 23rd.  TOMORROW

Apparently, the sun, moon and Jupiter, which supposedly represents the Messiah, will be in Virgo.

Meade points to the Biblical passage of Revelation 12:1-2 which says, according to one version of it, anyway, “A great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth.” 

No idea how and why giving birth is synonymous with the snuffing out of the world, but I was also too busy getting ready for the sun to come up tomorrow and for Monday to be just another Monday, to do any further research.


Disclaimer:  I may (definitely) have paraphrased and might have (probably) editorialized a bit (a lot).

 

The News You Can Use….For Nothing Useful

“Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead.  The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.”  ~Bob Seger

In case you missed it, here’s a run down of last week’s, probably not top news stories, but at the very least, the news stories that won’t make you want to stock up on Dinty Moore Beef Stew for the impending Apocalypse.


Khloe Kardashian Is Apparently the ONLY One Who Didn’t See it Coming

It came as a huge shocker, to apparently nobody, that Tristan Thompson has been accused of cheating on Khloe Kardashian, after photo’s and video’s of the idiot were released by The Daily Mail and TMZ.

One would think that Tristan would be a little bit smarter about cheating on a woman from the family America loves to hate.

The family who never let’s a colonoscopy go by without an E camera there to witness it.

You’d think he’d put those things together and realize someone is probably watching and waiting for him to f’up.

But, no.

People (me) are suggesting that perhaps she switch over to the NFL, or the MLB.  It appears that the NBA is no good for her.


Meghan Markle’s Half Sister Can’t Take a Hint

It will likely be a cold day in hell before Samantha Grant, the estranged half sister of Meghan Markle, receives her invitation to Windsor Castle for Meghan and Harry’s big day.

Grant, who is apparently desperate to scrape out her 15 minutes of fame by being an asshole, took to Twitter this week to express her dismay at being left out.  Because that’s exactly the outlet you should use to repair old family wounds.

But, it isn’t just Samantha Grant who is angling for scraps of attention at Meghan’s expense.  Meghan’s nephew, Tyler Dooley and his mother Tracy Dooley (who was previously married to Meghan’s half-brother Thomas Markle, Jr), let it sink in….are said to be flying to London to serve as correspondents for the wedding.

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It’s OK Meghan.  You can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your family.


Guys with Man Boobs Should Have to Wear a Bra, It’s Distracting AF

A 17 year-old female high school student, who decided against wearing a bra to school one day, was sent to the Principals office because her teacher felt her nipples were too distracting to the male students.

Because, of course, young men shouldn’t possibly be expected to learn any self-control.

No such life rule has been discovered that requires a woman wear a bra.  In fact, they are optional.  Like, putting on a pair of socks, or a headband.

But the school is allegedly claiming that the lack of a bra violates its dress code policy.

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Though there is nothing in the language that addresses undergarments, it does state that, “if your personal attire or grooming distracts the attention of other students or teachers from their school work, disrupts the educational activities and processes of the school, or is a potential safety hazard, you will be required to make the necessary alterations.”  

It’s reasonable then, that the young woman’s mother would question why boys with “man boobs” aren’t expected to address their nipples.

Eliminating Moose Knuckle should also be added.


Heroes Get Remembered, But Legends Never Die

25 years after the original release of The Sandlot, the entire cast reunited on Today.  Well, almost everyone.  Benny, The Jet, Rodriguez was a no show.

There’s always gotta be at least one diva, or two if you’re Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.


Marlon Wayans Issues a Public Service Announcement

Comedian Marlon Wayans tweeted this week that White Chicks 2 is NOT in production.

It was an important public service announcement, because….

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Disclaimer:  I may (definitely) have paraphrased and might have (probably) editorialized a bit (a lot).

The News You Can Use….For Nothing Useful

“Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead.  The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.”  ~Bob Seger

In case you missed it, here’s a run down of last week’s, probably not top news stories, but at the very least, the news stories that won’t make you want to weep for humanity; at least not too much.

Zombie Raccoons Are Taking Over Youngstown, Ohio

Enough said:

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Photo Cred: Robert Coggeshall

Carrie Underwood Mails Two Dead Catfish to NHL’s Toronto Office

Actually, no.

But, a woman named Briley Meeks did.

Meeks, obviously a very serious Predators fan, was so angry over a call by officials, that she spent approximately $140 to mail two dead catfish from somewhere in the US (Tennessee?) to Canada.

Included in the package, was a note that said, “You Suck.”

What was not included in the package?  Ice.

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As for Carrie Underwood, she didn’t like the call either.

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Your Kid Will Never Be A Toys R Us Kid, Because Mellie Stanley

Mellie Stanley, the trash-tacular star of Gypsy Sisters and also that episode of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, when she got into a fight with a woman named Diamond, which I rewatched at least 100 times while laughing myself into hysterics.  (Bonus link below….you are welcome).

Mellie & Diamond Throw Down in HD

Was arrested for using fake coupons at Toys R Us.  Mellie allegedly used counterfeit coupons to purchase over $2,400 worth of items at a Toys R Us last year….a ruse that apparently isn’t new for the young woman no one expected would amount to anything anyway.

In December, Mellie was arrested for her alleged participation in a ring that is accused of using fake coupons to purchase $18,000 in items at Toys R Us and Babies R Us.

Geoffrey Giraffe could not be reached for comment, but he’s said to be really pissed off.


The World’s Most Dragged Out Divorce Announcement

In what can only be described as a desperate attempt to garner the public’s interest, Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Basket have finally announced they are divorcing.

The news comes after what felt like decades, but was maybe only a week or so, of Kendra posting cryptic clues to various social media announcements, milking it for all it was worth, to the ten people who actually cared.

The news became officially official via a poorly timed teary Instagram post this past Friday, which might have been more impactful had she waited until the world came to grips with the separation announcement of Jenna Dewan Tatum and Channing Tatum.


Disclaimer:  I may (definitely) have paraphrased and might have (probably) editorialized a bit (a lot).

The News You Can Use….For Nothing Useful

“Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead.  The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.”  ~Bob Seger

In case you missed it, here’s a run down of last week’s, probably not top news stories, but at the very least, the news stories that won’t make you want to take a hostage, or defect to another country.


Corey Feldman has security

Also, Corey Feldman claims he was the victim of a botched assassination attempt.

According to the less attractive of the two Corey’s (RIP, Corey Haim), Corey F was out and about in his car….maybe a 1972 Cadillac Sedan de Ville….I don’t know for sure….when his security entourage….all three of them….became distracted….maybe by a girl named Mercedes dancing on the hood or something….which allowed the perfect window of opportunity for the would-be assassin to strike.

As the details poured in….

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It became clear that the stabbing weapon was probably a toothpick.  Or, maybe, a sewing needle.

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Anyway, Corey believes its possible the attempted homicide was the result of his threats, once he’s crowd funded $10 million, to start naming names regarding an alleged pedophile ring in Hollywood.

I don’t think these people have anything to worry about, because there is no way Corey Feldman raises $10 million any time this century.


Mom teaches her son a valuable life lesson learned via a shopping trip to Goodwill

Am I the only one who doesn’t really get what the lesson was?

I mean, look, I understand she wanted her son to learn that labels and material possessions don’t define a person, but….I’m not sure I get how making him spend twenty-dollars at Goodwill on clothing, he then had to wear to school, is teaching him a lesson about anything….other than, perhaps, how far a dollar goes on designer labels at Goodwill.

Unless….did she require him to buy stuff from a section dedicated to another decade?

Halloween costumes?

Leisure suits?

I don’t get it….


Dawson Leary was an orphan

Dawson’s Creek, that iconic, coming of age teen drama from the late 90’s, is now twenty years old.

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Ouch….I don’t remember becoming old enough to remember twenty-years ago.

Anyway, back to the news….Entertainment Weekly got the cast together for a reunion of sorts.

Dawson, Joey, Pacey, Jen, Andi, Jack, Audrey and Grams, came together for a fancy Huck Finn (I guess?) inspired photo shoot, but two cast members were obviously missing….

Mitch and Gayle….Dawson’s parents.  Why the slight, EW?


Disclaimer:  I may (definitely) have paraphrased and might have (probably) editorialized a bit (a lot).

The News You Can Use….For Nothing Useful

“Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead.  The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.”  ~Bob Seger

In case you missed it, here’s a run down of last week’s, probably not top news stories, but at the very least, the news stories that won’t make you want to build a bomb shelter in your background, or homeschool your kids.

Elin Nordegren (AKA Tiger Woods’ ex) is selling her revenge house

If you’re in the market for a Florida mansion with 11-bedrooms, 18-bathrooms, two-kitchens, a roof deck, indoor theater, below-ground gym, custom wine cellar, outdoor swimming pool, twirling water slide, fire pit, basketball/pickleball court, a putting green (I feel like the putting green was a subtle f-you), a cabana house with its own kitchen, bar, and billiards table, two-guest apartments and 200 feet of direct frontage on the Atlantic Ocean….Elin Nordegren is unloading hers for $49.5 million.

I wonder if she actually used all 18 of those bathrooms in the time she lived in that house.  I bet she didn’t.


Geoffrey the Giraffe, the official mascot of Toys R Us, is out of a job

Probably thanks to Amazon and Facebook and Donald Trump, because everything is their fault, Toys R Us is going out of business.

Geoffrey the Giraffe is probably going to be euthanized….because Toys R Us and it’s companion stores can’t even afford to honor gift cards and loyalty rewards….let alone feed a giraffe.

Also, in what can’t possibly be purely coincidental, the founder of Toys R Us, Charles Lazarus, died one week after the company announced it was closing its doors.  Way to go Walmart.


Ben Affleck’s tattoo artist hates him

Obviously….

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Justin Bieber is the worst

The worst Saturday Night Live guest host, according to SNL alums Bill Hader and Jay Pharaoh.

The Biebs showed up to the taping with a huge entourage of servants who fed him pizza and Diet Coke, because I guess he was too exhausted to do those things for himself.

Because acting like a butt-hole all the time is really hard work.


Disclaimer:  I may (definitely) have paraphrased and might have (probably) editorialized a bit (a lot).