The News You Can Use….For Nothing Useful

“Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead.  The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.”  ~Bob Seger

In case you missed it, here’s a run down of last week’s, probably not top news stories, but at the very least, the news stories that won’t give you a migraine, or make your blood boil.


Brad Pitt Needs to Step It Up

Seriously

It’s rumored that Brad Pitt is dating architect and designer, Neri Oxman, who, among her bajillion accomplishments, is an MIT professor with a PhD in Design Computation.

Meanwhile, Angelina Jolie, Pitts ex-wife, is busy saving the world and flying around in an airplane she pilots herself.

Brad is….?

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Meghan Markle Has The Worst Family Ever

The family of Royal Bride-To-Be, Meghan Markle, continues to embarrass America with their desperate attempts at obtaining some relevancy off the designer clad coat-tails of Markle.

This past week, it was Meghan’s half-brother, Thomas Markle, Jr., who took aim at his half-sister, who he spent every other weekend with, between the years of 2009 and 2011, SEVEN YEARS AGO.

According to Thomas Jr., Meghan is a ‘phony’ who has ‘torn his family apart.”

It’s unclear though how Juniors 2017 arrest on weapons-related charges, following a domestic dispute with his girlfriend, might have impacted his family though.

He’s just a guy, who, along with his big-mouthed sister, Samantha Grant, just REALLY want to be at that wedding.

He’s now suggested that the Queen and Prince Charles should step in and ‘splain’ how things are done.

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Walmart Sells More Blue Jeans Than Anyone?

Also, Walmart is testing a new dress code for associates in a small sampling of stores to see if the more relaxed policy might help to attract and retain workers.

The employees participating in the pilot program will now be allowed to wear a shirt of any solid color and jeans are permissible, so long as they are a solid blue color.

Welcome to 2018, Walmart.


The World is Going to End on April 23rd

According to David Meade, a Christian Numerologist….

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The world is going to end on April 23rd.  TOMORROW

Apparently, the sun, moon and Jupiter, which supposedly represents the Messiah, will be in Virgo.

Meade points to the Biblical passage of Revelation 12:1-2 which says, according to one version of it, anyway, “A great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth.” 

No idea how and why giving birth is synonymous with the snuffing out of the world, but I was also too busy getting ready for the sun to come up tomorrow and for Monday to be just another Monday, to do any further research.


Disclaimer:  I may (definitely) have paraphrased and might have (probably) editorialized a bit (a lot).

 

The News You Can Use….For Nothing Useful

“Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead.  The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.”  ~Bob Seger

In case you missed it, here’s a run down of last week’s, probably not top news stories, but at the very least, the news stories that won’t make you want to stock up on Dinty Moore Beef Stew for the impending Apocalypse.


Khloe Kardashian Is Apparently the ONLY One Who Didn’t See it Coming

It came as a huge shocker, to apparently nobody, that Tristan Thompson has been accused of cheating on Khloe Kardashian, after photo’s and video’s of the idiot were released by The Daily Mail and TMZ.

One would think that Tristan would be a little bit smarter about cheating on a woman from the family America loves to hate.

The family who never let’s a colonoscopy go by without an E camera there to witness it.

You’d think he’d put those things together and realize someone is probably watching and waiting for him to f’up.

But, no.

People (me) are suggesting that perhaps she switch over to the NFL, or the MLB.  It appears that the NBA is no good for her.


Meghan Markle’s Half Sister Can’t Take a Hint

It will likely be a cold day in hell before Samantha Grant, the estranged half sister of Meghan Markle, receives her invitation to Windsor Castle for Meghan and Harry’s big day.

Grant, who is apparently desperate to scrape out her 15 minutes of fame by being an asshole, took to Twitter this week to express her dismay at being left out.  Because that’s exactly the outlet you should use to repair old family wounds.

But, it isn’t just Samantha Grant who is angling for scraps of attention at Meghan’s expense.  Meghan’s nephew, Tyler Dooley and his mother Tracy Dooley (who was previously married to Meghan’s half-brother Thomas Markle, Jr), let it sink in….are said to be flying to London to serve as correspondents for the wedding.

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It’s OK Meghan.  You can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your family.


Guys with Man Boobs Should Have to Wear a Bra, It’s Distracting AF

A 17 year-old female high school student, who decided against wearing a bra to school one day, was sent to the Principals office because her teacher felt her nipples were too distracting to the male students.

Because, of course, young men shouldn’t possibly be expected to learn any self-control.

No such life rule has been discovered that requires a woman wear a bra.  In fact, they are optional.  Like, putting on a pair of socks, or a headband.

But the school is allegedly claiming that the lack of a bra violates its dress code policy.

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Though there is nothing in the language that addresses undergarments, it does state that, “if your personal attire or grooming distracts the attention of other students or teachers from their school work, disrupts the educational activities and processes of the school, or is a potential safety hazard, you will be required to make the necessary alterations.”  

It’s reasonable then, that the young woman’s mother would question why boys with “man boobs” aren’t expected to address their nipples.

Eliminating Moose Knuckle should also be added.


Heroes Get Remembered, But Legends Never Die

25 years after the original release of The Sandlot, the entire cast reunited on Today.  Well, almost everyone.  Benny, The Jet, Rodriguez was a no show.

There’s always gotta be at least one diva, or two if you’re Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.


Marlon Wayans Issues a Public Service Announcement

Comedian Marlon Wayans tweeted this week that White Chicks 2 is NOT in production.

It was an important public service announcement, because….

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Disclaimer:  I may (definitely) have paraphrased and might have (probably) editorialized a bit (a lot).