The News You Can Use….For Nothing Useful

“Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead.  The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.”  ~Bob Seger

In case you missed it, here’s a run down of last week’s, probably not top news stories, but at the very least, the news stories that won’t make you want to weep for humanity; at least not too much.

Zombie Raccoons Are Taking Over Youngstown, Ohio

Enough said:

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Photo Cred: Robert Coggeshall

Carrie Underwood Mails Two Dead Catfish to NHL’s Toronto Office

Actually, no.

But, a woman named Briley Meeks did.

Meeks, obviously a very serious Predators fan, was so angry over a call by officials, that she spent approximately $140 to mail two dead catfish from somewhere in the US (Tennessee?) to Canada.

Included in the package, was a note that said, “You Suck.”

What was not included in the package?  Ice.

InfantilePeacefulKillerwhale-max-1mb.gif

As for Carrie Underwood, she didn’t like the call either.

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Your Kid Will Never Be A Toys R Us Kid, Because Mellie Stanley

Mellie Stanley, the trash-tacular star of Gypsy Sisters and also that episode of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, when she got into a fight with a woman named Diamond, which I rewatched at least 100 times while laughing myself into hysterics.  (Bonus link below….you are welcome).

Mellie & Diamond Throw Down in HD

Was arrested for using fake coupons at Toys R Us.  Mellie allegedly used counterfeit coupons to purchase over $2,400 worth of items at a Toys R Us last year….a ruse that apparently isn’t new for the young woman no one expected would amount to anything anyway.

In December, Mellie was arrested for her alleged participation in a ring that is accused of using fake coupons to purchase $18,000 in items at Toys R Us and Babies R Us.

Geoffrey Giraffe could not be reached for comment, but he’s said to be really pissed off.


The World’s Most Dragged Out Divorce Announcement

In what can only be described as a desperate attempt to garner the public’s interest, Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Basket have finally announced they are divorcing.

The news comes after what felt like decades, but was maybe only a week or so, of Kendra posting cryptic clues to various social media announcements, milking it for all it was worth, to the ten people who actually cared.

The news became officially official via a poorly timed teary Instagram post this past Friday, which might have been more impactful had she waited until the world came to grips with the separation announcement of Jenna Dewan Tatum and Channing Tatum.


Disclaimer:  I may (definitely) have paraphrased and might have (probably) editorialized a bit (a lot).

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