The News You Can Use….For Nothing Useful

“Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead.  The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.”  ~Bob Seger

In case you missed it, here’s a run down of last week’s, probably not top news stories, but at the very least, the news stories that won’t make you want to build a bomb shelter in your background, or homeschool your kids.

Elin Nordegren (AKA Tiger Woods’ ex) is selling her revenge house

If you’re in the market for a Florida mansion with 11-bedrooms, 18-bathrooms, two-kitchens, a roof deck, indoor theater, below-ground gym, custom wine cellar, outdoor swimming pool, twirling water slide, fire pit, basketball/pickleball court, a putting green (I feel like the putting green was a subtle f-you), a cabana house with its own kitchen, bar, and billiards table, two-guest apartments and 200 feet of direct frontage on the Atlantic Ocean….Elin Nordegren is unloading hers for $49.5 million.

I wonder if she actually used all 18 of those bathrooms in the time she lived in that house.  I bet she didn’t.


Geoffrey the Giraffe, the official mascot of Toys R Us, is out of a job

Probably thanks to Amazon and Facebook and Donald Trump, because everything is their fault, Toys R Us is going out of business.

Geoffrey the Giraffe is probably going to be euthanized….because Toys R Us and it’s companion stores can’t even afford to honor gift cards and loyalty rewards….let alone feed a giraffe.

Also, in what can’t possibly be purely coincidental, the founder of Toys R Us, Charles Lazarus, died one week after the company announced it was closing its doors.  Way to go Walmart.


Ben Affleck’s tattoo artist hates him

Obviously….

ben-crop-1521488094.jpg


Justin Bieber is the worst

The worst Saturday Night Live guest host, according to SNL alums Bill Hader and Jay Pharaoh.

The Biebs showed up to the taping with a huge entourage of servants who fed him pizza and Diet Coke, because I guess he was too exhausted to do those things for himself.

Because acting like a butt-hole all the time is really hard work.


Disclaimer:  I may (definitely) have paraphrased and might have (probably) editorialized a bit (a lot).

 

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