Poop Talk….

“Some come to sit and think.  Others come to shit and stink.” ~ Poet Unknown

Since the advent of indoor plumbing, it’s pretty much an accepted fact that men’s public restroom’s are a cesspool of filth….with sticky floors and ample amounts of urine, caked and dripping, from every porcelain fixture.

Yet, for the most part, the women’s room has managed to eschew this reputation….undeservedly so.

In the movies and television, the women’s restroom is portrayed as some kind of pristine oasis, where we women go and set our dainty tushies upon gleaming white thrones and, I guess, shit lavender and roses?


I’m sorry, but when it comes right down to it….women can be just as gross as men, maybe even grosser….it’s just that all our stalls are enclosed and we’re better at hiding it.

So, the other day, I was wandering through a book store, sipping a coffee….among my favorite hobbies….when nature called.

I made my way to the back of the store toward the restrooms, entered the “ladies” room and selected a stall.

Side note: The first stall in a women’s public restroom is always the cleanest, because it’s the least often occupied by female public bathroom users.

You are welcome.

Anyway, I opened door number one, to find that I wanted no part of whatever was in there.

It looked like someone had perhaps gotten the crap beat out of her….literally.

Or, perhaps a shitsplosion, caused by way too much espresso, had occurred.

And you know what, whatever.  I’ve been there.  I get it.  Shit happens.  (Yes, I have the sense of humor of a 13 year old boy).

But seriously, what kind of heathen makes that kind of a mess and then walks off all, “la dee da.”  As though her fecal matter is somebody else’s responsibility?

If you’re out there lady….and you know who you are….B&N on Route 1….I feel like it’s my doody (heh) to give you and ladies like you, a little Public Restroom Etiquette lesson.

Basically, I’m just like Emily Post.

Here goes:

1.  If You Sprinkle When You Tinkle, Be a Sweetie and Wipe the Seatie

Every woman has utilized the hover craft method at one time or another while trying to avoid cheek to seat contact with a public landing pad.

It’s a method that requires a bit of lower body strength, a decent core, balance and the ability to regulate flow in order to maintain proper control of ones aim….take away the necessary skill set and the result is essentially the same as shooting water onto a teaspoon.

Wipe it up!  All the necessary tools are there.  You know, toilet paper.  And don’t even try and say you didn’t realize it was there.  We all have to turn around to flush.

2.  Nesting

For those germ concious women who know their hovering limitations or simply enjoy a fully seated go on the pot….when toilet seat covers aren’t available, apparently an entire roll of toilet paper will do.


I’ll admit I’m not particularly well versed on all the apparently horrendous dangers a public toilet seat is harboring and quite frankly, I prefer it that way.  I mean.

I don’t have the time or the architectural skills necessary to craft this kind of set up….but for those who do, please note that the rest of us probably don’t have the time, or the bio-suit, required to clean it up when you’re done.

So please, rather than render the stall useless for the rest of us, take your nest with you when you go.

3.  If At First You Don’t Succeed, Flush, Flush Again (Or Just Flush….Period).

No one is interested in what happened behind that stall door.  What you do there, what you drop there, flush it down there when you leave there.

4.  Everybody Poops

Unless you are actually giving birth….not just sounding like it….I have no interest in becoming involved in your moment.

I don’t want to know that Chipotle goes right through you, or that you must have had some bad fish the night before.

There is no need to apologize because your rear-end sounds like a kid playing a trumpet….because really….what do you expect to hear in return?  “Oh, haha, I know how that goes?”  Or, “No worries, just hang in there, you can do it.”

Everybody poops….but not everybody needs to be involved.

5.  Are You There Black Patent Leather Pumps?  It’s me, Nude Ballet Flats

As much as I don’t want to commiserate with anyone during bowel movements, I also don’t want to be doing any favors.

Personally, I always check the TP balance before committing to a stall.  I would rather do the wiggly shake and just hope for the best, than ask anyone to pass me a wad of toilet paper.

For one, how do I know where those hands grasping that tissue paper quality, public TP have been?

For two, conversations in a public restroom that start out with, “Can you do me a favor?” could go so many ways and I’d hate to commit to something I’m not willing to follow through on.

“The good guest is almost invisible, enjoying herself, communing with fellow guests, and, most of all, enjoying the generous hospitality of the hosts.” ~Emily Post

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