I Would Run….from a Serial Killer, or a Zombie….

“Remember the feeling you get from a good run is far better than the feeling you get from sitting around wishing you were running.” ~Sarah Condor

Yeah….the last time I remember enjoying a good run, was when I was motivated to kick some elementary school ass during my Presidential Physical Fitness Test in the early 90’s.

Since then, not so much.

I’ve tried to like it.  There have been many times I’ve gone out and invested in expensive, top of the line running shoes, devised a training plan and envisioned myself crossing the finish line of the Boston marathon.  But then I just end up gardening in my expensive, top of the line running shoes and watching the marathon from a bar on Beacon Street.

I just can’t get into it.  I have a friend who get’s all kinds of exhilitrated at just the opportunity to discuss her running routine.  She prattles on about her runner’s high and the euphoric sense of calm and peace she experiences while running and I’m all


I can always tell who the real runners are vs. the people like me who go out thinking, I’m going to pound out some miles and then end up walking three minutes in, because that shit sucks.

Real runners seem to glide, their strides steady and light, their facial expressions stoic, their breathing, steady.

When I run, I look like a sack full of rocks being dragged across a bumpy road as I desperately suck wind.  My facial expression says, “This sucks, I’m bored, I hate every minute of this and it’s only been half a block.”


The thing is, I am totally open to most forms of exercise, but I draw the line at running.

I will hike for dozens of miles carrying a 30 pound backpack up and down mountains for days with a giant smile on my face.  I will bike ride for hours.  I will Spin and Bootcamp and Booty Build and Muscle Pump and Namaste every day of the week….but I cannot bring myself to jog a lap, let alone a mile.

I know that for most people, becoming a real runner takes time, patience and commitment….but I have none of those things.

In fact, I’m pretty sure if I were ever in a run for my life with someone else, I would probably just trip that person, so that I would be free to casually walk away.

So, when a friend recently asked if I’d like to go for a run, because, “it would be fun,” I looked at her like she had just lost her fucking mind.

“Nope” I said.  “But if you want, I can drive along beside you playing something like, ‘Eye of the Tiger.'”  

Because even though she’s a damn liar, I’m a good friend.

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